Never There
by blackfeather157
Summary: What happens when Merida can't take the pressure? Will she snap? ...Terrible at summeries... Sorry about grammer...


It has been five years since my father had fought Mor'du and since I had learned how to shoot a bow. I had learned that fear was nothing I wanted to feel again. It had been the experience I never wanted to be in again, one second I was happy and in my mother's arms and the next I was on a horse and running from the monster that could take my father's life. I was so full of fear that all I heard and felt was that pounding of the blood in my veins. I had sat at my window hoping for my father to return, dreading that his party would return without him.

You may have thought that my life was absolutely perfect. I lived with both of my parents, I got to do archery, I had my horse, and I was independent and I would never have to be committed to a man. At least I thought I would be independent until I heard that all princesses had to be married at a certain age. I was completely against getting married to someone who I didn't even know, let alone love. It was when I was eight that I realized that all my mother cared about was me being the girl I could never be. Although I tried to be that girl but soon I knew that no matter how much I tried, I would never accomplish my mother's goals for me. Nowadays I feel alone, useless, and worthless. I have tried so hard to please my mother only to get criticism and disappointed looks. It was one of those days when it was hour long lectures on being the "perfect" princess and making feel worse about myself, and later in the day I was walking back to my room with my head hung to the side staring at the wall when I found myself in the armory. I had intended to go to my room, but how I ended up here I didn't know. I walked around and looked at all the weapons hanging on the wall. But I knew what I was going for, my bow. I found it at the end of the room on the wall. I grabbed it and three arrows, I loaded one into the bow and randomly shot it at the wall in frustration. What happened next shocked me. It hit the wall and rebounded straight back at me and across my unprotected forearm. I yelped and stared at the wound on my arm and watched as it bled. I had got a strange release from the pain and I reached for the dagger not to far away, curious to see what intentionally harming oneself would be like. I lifted it up to my arm and drug it across, a sharp pain had come and all I could do was look at it with a blank mind and marvel at how tranquil I felt. I couldn't think of anything but the pain, not my mother words on how imperfect I was ,not how much I disappointed her, just the dull throb as the blood on my arm spread until it had started to drip on the floor. I noticed it and quickly ran through the castle avoiding anyone who might wonder. Little did I know I was still holding the bloodied dagger. I quickly hid it in my under my dresser by my bed in case the castle-maids would come in and see it.

Over the years I had found comfort in the blade and had scars all over my body to prove it. They were all over my arms, legs, hips, chest, and lower back. The only scars on my upper back were when Angus, my horse had thrown me into a tree and left me unconscious. That was when my room maid had found out about my scars. I told her not to tell my parents or anyone. I even got on my hands and knees and BEGGED and PLETTED her not to tell. I'm pretty sure she is sworn to absolute secrecy. She told me I needed to stop but I told her I can't, she never said anything else about it.

The day my mother found out was when the princes of the other kingdoms had arrived for my betrothal and I had disagreed. I had embarrassed the four clans and my mother. She had dragged my to my room and that is when I snapped. I couldn't take it anymore and I yelled and argued like I never had before. The argument had gotten heated when I grabbed a sword and pressed it up against the tapestry my mother had been working on ever since I was born. What I didn't notice is that my sleeve was torn a little bit. I pressed the sword even further with every word then, I swung. I tore the tapestry. My mother finally snapped. I faltered because when I saw the rage and hurt in her eyes, I immediately regretted it. She reached for me and I flinched thinking she would hit me but instead she grabbed my bow, my bow I had decorated and cherished ever since my father made it for me was ripped from my back and thrown into the fire. Soon the look of confusion was on my mothers face, then realization, then horror. I barely registered it. All I saw was my only connection to this world broken. My only freedom. My soul.

I ran.

I ran like the wind was carrying me.

I only saw blur.

I hurt so bad, I couldn't feel anything but the pain in my heart.

I wanted to go.

I wanted to be free.

I wanted to die.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, out the castle and to where the stable was.

I got on Angus and rode.

I rode away from the place of my pain. My torture.

I rode to my death.

I cried, even though I barely noticed it.

I cried.

I was done.

I slowed Angus to a stop and told him to go. He didn't listen. I yelled at him with tears in my eyes. He still did not listen. I threw things at him. He listened only enough to get out of throwing distance. Then I ran at him with the dagger and swung. I only nicked his saddle but he spooked and bolted, this time for sure all the way back to the castle.

With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, I said "I'm sorry."

I walked to the side of the cliff and looked over the side at the waves with a longing. I wanted death so bad, and all I knew is that no matter what I did I would bring disappointment and sadness in my wake. I knew doing this would hurt many people, but all I did was hurt people, so what is the difference. I had brought parchment and a pencil and I wrote.

I put the pencil and paper down and put a rock on it so it wouldn't get blown away. I got up and I stood at the edge of the cliff ready to pitch myself over when I heard dogs howling in the distance. It stopped me from doing what I was doing and I turned around.

Only to see a will'o'the-wisp.

I knew they led you to your fate, but I couldn't believe they would be here now. I was starting to walk toward it, away from the edge, when the ground gave out beneath me and I fell.

It was slow-motion.

I was suspended in air staring at the spot I just was, now above me.

I accepted my fate.

I closed my eyes

I let darkness consume me

Everything was cold.

My chest was burning for air.

I was greeting death.

I was greeting the darkness I deserved.

Everything was numb. I couldn't think.

It all went black.

I was free.

Elenor POV

I was furious. Merida has just shot three perfect arrows into every target. But only instead not for just fun and games like usual, it was in the middle of the contest for the suitors. She was shooting for her own hand! I dragged her to the castle and yelled at her telling her what she did was wrong. Suddenly I saw a shift in her behavior, instead of a stubborn child I saw a broken desperate girl. She grabbed her sword and pressed it against the tapestry I spent sixteen years on. I forgot about that shift and watched as she screamed that I was never there for her and this betrothal business was only what I wanted. I was so angry that I didn't hear that pain in her voice that was so obviously there. Then at her last sentence "I'd rather die than be like you!" was the breaking point. She swung with a perfect form and grace and tore the tapestry right where our hands met in the picture. I snapped I charged at her and she flinched, hard. I grabbed her bow and ripped it from her back and threw it into the fireplace behind us. When I turned to her, I saw many things. I saw pain, regret, sorrow, and a girl I did not recognize. She was broken. The look in her eyes was not fiery or passionate. They were dull and full of pain. I did not recognize my daughter. I knew immediately I had done something I could never in a million lifetimes, ever take back. It was then that I knew that the ripping sound I had heard when I took the bow from her, was not from the bow but from her sleeve. It had been ripped from the wrist to above the elbow, and what I saw was heart stopping. There were scars. Scars all over her arm. All different sizes. Some deep, some only a graze. All by the same thing, a dagger. I had seen wound like this before and I fully knew that no one had done this to her. Only she could have. Only then did it dawn on me that the girl I thought I knew was only a disguise from the hurt girl underneath, and I had ripped that disguise from her. I had stripped her of her defenses, only to see a person that could never be healed. Not by me. It was when she ran that I realized what I had done. I reached into the fire and grabbed the bow, regardless of the heat and the burns. I kept asking myself, "What have I done?!" until Fergus came in and asked me what was wrong. All I could do was sag into his arms and cry.

It was then that a worried maid jogged into our room and asked if we knew why Merida was heading to the coast. Immediately I shot up and out of the room and through the castle. I was at the stables before I knew it. I got on my horse and bolted for the coast not caring if I ran over someone or not.

I rode to the coast with haste, hoping to catch Merida from the fall she was going to take. I knew what she was going to do. Suicide. I knew it ever since she looked at me the way she did.

I made it to the coast only to see nothing. Nothing but a cliff and ocean.

I got off my horse only to collapse on the ground shaking.

I just stared at the edge.

Not thinking. Just staring.

Then I saw it, the note.

I got up and uneasily walked to it and read it.

"Dear Mum and Dad,

I am sorry I couldn't be the perfect daughter. None of this is anyone's fault. It is all mine. All I wanted to do was make you proud, but all I seemed to do was destroy that hope for me. I shot those arrows today because I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I would ruin the life of the poor soul chosen to be my husband. I would be a horrible wife. I am sorry but all I am good for now is being dead. All I did was bring disappointment with me. I always let you down. You will forget about me in due time. I will just be a memory, a bad dream never to occur again. The boys will be able to take over. They are more suitable than I am. Goodbye, Mum. Dad. Just do one thing for me.

LIVE.

~Merida."

I was crying.

It was all my fault. I pushed her too hard.

It was MY fault.

I collapsed.

And all I said was, "I'm sorry." TO BE CONTINUED…;3


End file.
